


We're On The Right Side of Rock Bottom

by mischiefmanaged95



Series: Keep On Comin' Back For More [2]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Break Up, Broken Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Established Relationship, Everything Hurts, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Falling In Love, Gentle Sex, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, I can't tag this without giving spoilers, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Top Bucky Barnes, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Love, Mentions of Cancer, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Avengers, Protective Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers Angst, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, Suicidal Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Vulnerable Steve Rogers, implied bottom Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 15:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9278897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischiefmanaged95/pseuds/mischiefmanaged95
Summary: He couldn’t be happy all the time for the press to take pictures of and make up stories about him and Bucky. He couldn’t be America’s golden boy. He was a man. A broken, tainted man.And he wanted to sleep.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I tried to incooperate elements of what we talked about WarpedChyld but it's slightly, well, it's different. I hope that's all right :)
> 
> Song: Rock Bottom by Hailee Steinfeld ft DNCE.
> 
> I own no one/nor do I own the song. Any mistakes are my own.

**_What are we fighting for?_ **

**_Seems like we do it just for fun_ **

**_In this, this stupid war_ **

**_We play hard with our plastic guns_ **

 

Bucky had disappeared again.

Steve hadn’t watched him go. He couldn’t keep watching him go. If Bucky needed space or refused to stay, that was his choice. But that didn’t mean Steve needed to see that broken look on Bucky’s face. Besides, Steve couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t keep letting the man he loved disappear for months on end, and pretend that it was okay. This time, they’d had a huge fight and it hadn’t ended well. Steve had begged him to stay, crying as Bucky packed his things once again. Bucky had refused and said he didn’t love Steve anymore. Steve left the Compound and had walked for what felt like hours, until he found himself in a distant park and sobbed into his hands.

Bucky had called him on his phone. He’d texted. He’d left messages. But Steve had ignored them all. He wasn’t going to do this to himself anymore. Bucky had his reasons, Steve knew. He’d been through hell. But so, had Steve. In his own way. And he couldn’t keep opening his heart, only for it be ripped out of his chest and trodden on. He couldn’t be happy all the time for the press to take pictures of and make up stories about him and Bucky. He couldn’t be America’s golden boy. He was a man. A broken, tainted man.

And he wanted to _sleep_.

 

**_Breathe deep, bottle it up_ **

**_So deep until it's all we got_ **

**_Don't speak, just use your touch_ **

**_Don't speak before we say too much_ **

He returned once he was sure Bucky had gone. He didn’t speak to anyone. Wouldn’t speak to anyone. He just went up to his room and turned the volume of his stereo up. A song that Bucky had loved. A rock song from the 80’s. Steve let it play and screamed as loud as he could. Then he tore up pages from his diary, the one his therapist had told him to use. He tore them up. He tore up old letters. He smashed picture frames. He burnt his drawings. He chucked his phone out the window. He threw it all away, out into the night or into the fire.

And when everything was burnt, broken and tainted with alcohol and paint, like Steve, he collapsed and sobbed again. He yelled and screamed and swore. Natasha found him like that, curled up on the floor with Bucky’s dog tags in his hands, clenched so tight he’d cut into his palms. She found her shell of a friend and hugged him wordlessly.

Sam came in and started cleaning up. Clint cooked him dinner. Tony fixed his bed and stereo. Thor brought more alcohol. Wanda put him to sleep. Bruce read to him. Maria helped clean up his wounds. Sharon hung his pictures back up on the wall, the ones that were left. Peter played his guitar in the background. And quietly, Steve cried himself to sleep in Natasha’s arms as Wanda put his mind to rest.

He _slept_.

 

**_You hate me now and I feel the same way_ **

**_You love me now and I feel the same way_ **

**_Scream and we shout_ **

**_And make up the same day, same day_ **

 

They didn’t make up the same day. In fact, Steve didn’t see Bucky for another six months. Steve didn’t try to contact him. He couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Not anymore. Bucky wrote Steve letters. Steve burnt them. Bucky sent Steve pictures and updates through his phone. Steve smashed it and got a new one. After three months, Bucky stopped. Steve knew that Bucky would be keeping tabs on him. But Steve had given up. He’d just… _stopped_.

He led the team in missions and came home to an empty room. He cried a lot. He screamed a lot. He got drunk a lot. He went out into the night and didn’t come home for a couple of days. He was always safe. He had a one night stand with an understanding man. His name was Caleb. He’d been a sweetheart. Steve had been so low, so broken. He just fell into this man’s arms. Caleb wasn’t Bucky.

But he helped.

A one night stand, turned into more soon after. They began dating, Caleb was a sweetheart. He showered Steve with love and fixed, or at least, tried to mend his broken heart. He wasn’t Bucky.

But he made Steve smile again.

 

**_Oh, we're on the right side of rock bottom_ **

**_And I hope that we keep falling_ **

**_We're on the good side of bad karma_ **

**_'Cause we keep on coming back for more_ **

Steve held Caleb’s hand as he fell ill. He’d always been sick. He had cancer, it had spread too far along. And Steve knew, he knew what he was getting into. But he couldn’t let Caleb go. He wanted him until the end, because his heart couldn’t stop loving this man. He couldn’t let another part of his heart go.

Steve danced with Caleb (badly). He kissed Caleb and they made love. It was wonderful and heart breaking and beautiful at the same time. Caleb made Steve feel happy. He made him feel lighter. He…didn’t fix him.

But he tried.

Bucky had been gone for a year this time. And though neither of them aged normally, it felt like longer. Steve looked the same and he knew Bucky probably would too. But after falling in love with his man, this wonderful, green and brown eyed man, Steve felt like death was creeping up on him too.

He didn’t want to go on. He couldn’t see more of his friends die.

He cried into Caleb’s shoulder as death took him.

“I love you,” Caleb whispered, as his heart began to fail him.

Steve chocked on his sobs and kissed Caleb, letting the man’s last breath fall on his lips. He’d hold him, like that. In him. Just like when they’d made love. Steve would keep him inside. Locked in his heart. That last breath became his own. He would hold onto it. _Forever_.

_“I love you too.”_

**_We're on the right side of rock bottom_ **

**_And to you I just keep crawling_ **

**_You're the best kind of bad something_ **

**_'Cause we keep on coming back for more_ **

 

Bucky came back a couple of months after Caleb’s death. Natasha had told Steve that Bucky wanted to come back earlier, but Steve had refused to see him, too heartbroken when Caleb was in hospital and then when he past, Steve just couldn’t handle much else. So, Bucky came back but stayed away from Steve.

They didn’t talk.

They didn’t see each other.

It didn’t make things better. Not like Caleb.

But it helped.

A couple of months down the line, Natasha was getting married to Clint. Steve was performing the wedding and Bruce was Clint’s best man, it would’ve been Bucky. It _should’ve_ been Bucky. Not because Bruce wasn’t as important, but because Bucky should’ve been there.

It was a lovely wedding.

Bucky had turned up later on. Upon Natasha’s request to come during the reception. The team weren’t on great terms with him. Not since he’d left. Not since he’d broken Steve.

Steve was at the drinks table, talking to Sharon when Bucky appeared at the doorway. A song came on, one from their past. Steve looked away and excused himself. But Bucky followed.

“What do you want?” Steve asked, voice trembling.

“Nothin’…I just, I miss you,” Bucky said softly, he looked the same. Large as hell, handsome as heaven, wonderful and beautiful and heart-breaking and bittersweet all at the same time. "I'm so sorry, Stevie, I - 

“Really?” Steve scoffed, rolling his eyes, tears falling freely. “ _You miss me_? That’s all you have to say for yourself.”

“Steve, I –

“ _No_!” Steve shouted, tears spilling down his cheeks, his heart broke to do this, but he had to, _he just had to_ , “no, you listen. You fuckin’ listen. You broke my heart. You promised me, in that damn safe house, that you’d never leave me, that we’d get through it together. And then you kept leavin’ and _leavin’_. And I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t wait for you with open arms, I couldn’t hurt myself anymore. I had to push you away. I kept away from you. It killed me, it physically _tore_ at me. I wanted to die. I didn’t know how to live without you. I don’t. I _still_ don’t. I love you, I always have. I missed you, so much. It was like not bein’ able to breathe.

And then I met Caleb. And he was nice and kind and he made me _happy_. And I fell in love with him. And I held him as he died. And I’ve seen enough people die and leave me. I’ve seen it enough. I was broken, _am_ broken. I think I will always be broken. And now, he’s gone and he’s never comin’ back. And I miss him, I miss him so much. Like I miss you, all the time. Now you’re back. I’m not the same person. I can’t just open myself up to you. Not anymore. It’s too hard, too painful. I can’t let him go. But I can’t let you go either. So, _I_ need to go. I can’t believe your promises, even if you say you’ll stay. Because I know you won’t. And I don’t want to feel that again.”

“Steve, please, I –

“ _Don’t_.”

Bucky was crying, Steve was crying too. He sobbed as he walked away from Bucky.

And he kept walking until he found the bridge.

He greeted death like an old friend.

_FIN..._

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Alternative Ending:**

 

And then _he woke up._  

Strong arms were wrapped around his waist. He could smell cologne and body soap.

Feel soft breathing on the back of his neck. The cool metal of a hand on his hip.

The press of soft lips on his skin. Could taste those lips on his lips, like they had been the night before.

After he’d been found at Natasha’s safe house. He could remember the passionate night they had. Of the love, they’d made and the kisses that had been shared.

_“I love you, baby.”_

_“I love you too.”_

The ache he’d felt in his heart mended, patched together. The feeling of his lover’s release between his legs, dripping down from his entrance, marking him. _Claiming_ him. Saying that they’d never be apart again.

He felt the man behind him stir. “Stevie?”

 _He was safe_.

**Author's Note:**

> Have I missed any tags? Let me know!
> 
> Also, seen as both Bucky and Steve have had the serum (even if Bucky's is different - they're both super soldiers), the serums takes care of their health, so they don't need to use condoms as they're always in fighting health and are unable to get ill. Aside from in ABO, where they do, if they're not planning for children. And if not, Steve's on the pill, though of course, that can fail too. 
> 
> This is a work of fanfiction, so please remember to stay protected, have check ups and practice safe sex! While it is your body and you can choose to do whatever you want with it, protecting yourself should always come first.


End file.
